Bratty Addy: The brat in the computer

Who is Bratty Adaline?

 I am. I am older than twenty-one and less than forty. I have children. I work full time and freelance on the side. I am currently working on several novels. I am also a horrible procrastinator. I push everything off until it can longer be ignored. I push away friends and family sometimes just because I crave being alone. I have found that those moments are the ones I am in most need of support. I self sabotage all the time. I never complete anything that I set my mind to. Ever. I'm impressed enough that I started this blog. 

 Why on earth would you title yourself something that means:

1a : child; specifically : an ill-mannered annoying child <a spoiled brat> b : an ill-mannered immature person?

This is how I feel most of the time. I will start out by saying that I was severely abused when I was a child until I was brought to live with relatives. Once there I became very spoiled. No, I did not have everything that I wanted. We didn't have a ton of money or the latest gadgets but they tried to coddle me as a way to forget the abuse.

What did this do?

To be honest, I didn't think it did anything. I thought that I was pretty well rounded despite some really irritating hangups including barely any self esteem or self worth. I go above and beyond for my friends, my family, my kids but myself? Nope. Not at all.

As an example my husband, referred to from this point on as HIM. It used to be a nickname but as I use it in real life and I need to go back to being not found, asked me to grab his work clothes a few days ago. In desperate need of a set-up my day kind of spanking I grabbed the entire outfit right down to the socks and boxers. He came out of the shower and was very surprised that I had everything laid out for him. I thought this odd as he had asked for his clothes and he explained quite frankly that he can't understand how I can think outside of the box for everyone else but not myself. To this I shrugged and mumbled, "Cause I'm not worth it."  (If you are in a DD household or practice components of it this is NOT the correct response) This of course earned me a few extra paddles and I am striving to get my head in the right spot. But, I digress. 

What prompted the above scenario?

I prompted it. Last year he noted to me that I really lacked discipline. When he said really he meant completely. So I said go ahead and try it. We tried it for a week and it fizzled out. I will note here and here only that I have been diagnosed with a severe form of PMS called PMDD. The hormone fluctuation with the complexity of my past just sets me up to be crazy out of my mind for a week and half every month. I am bitchy, cranky, irritable, disrespectful, out of line, argumentative, and nasty like clock work. On one hand it's a very big sign to him that I am about to start spiraling. I usually can't see that I'm doing it until I've thrown a temper tantrum for lack of a better word and am screaming and cursing and carrying on like a two year old. Yes, this really happens to me. No, I am literally not exaggerating. I then crash into a depression that can even reach into suicidal feelings (again I putting it all out there and am not feeling suicidal) or homicidal ones. This was no way to live anymore and I begged him to help me come up with something to "stop the crazy" 

{As an aside, I was told that I was mentally depressed at age five and clinically depressed at age 15. It was not until I turned 25 that the doctors stopped popping me with pills and realized that it was only linked to my time of the month. That the depression when I was younger was from neglect and the depression in my teens was from my cycles. For the record I've been on almost every anti-depressant known to man and none of them ever worked. If I help even one woman reading this then it will be worth it.}
  

He as loving as he is was not really sure where to start. He knew that I needed, really needed, discipline but it's a BIG step. Especially when he knows how sensitive I can be. I brought up the idea until he decided that he will assign me a task every day. If I do not follow through with it, no matter how small or mundane. I will be punished with a paddle to my bottom. This is effective and needed. Afterward, he will hold me and tell me how much he loves me. This is the absolute most important step.

Are we technically in a domestic discipline/Head of Household type of relationship? I'm not really sure. He is giving me what I need to grow and become aware that everything I do has a consequence. We do not spank our own children (though we did swat when they were much younger) and we do not condone abuse of any kind. 

At the same token this is not a BDSM lifestyle though neither of us are closed to it. I rather enjoy spanking in a strictly sexual manner but this is completely separate from that. THAT is another blog for another time. This is just my intro. I will be frank and honest and I expect that my opinions and beliefs will not be shared by most. That is my choice so above all - be respectful and I will return the favor.

Fondly,
Less Bratty Today -Adaline
 ©2012 Bratty Adaline